Friday, December 5, 2014

A Love Like No Other

My Master let me go in late October of this year. However, just because He let me go does not mean I will stop updating my sessions with Him in writing. I will continue to blog here about my sessions with Him until I am finished.

I am taking this time to write because I need to get everything out. Ever since He let me go, a piece of my life, a piece of my heart is missing. Our sessions and our conversations playback in my head. I smile first, then I get teary-eyed and break down. I have been told that first Master relationships are intense. Our relationship was intense alright. For the six months I was with Him, it was the happiest, challenging, life-changing time of my life. Writing all this makes it sound like my first Master is dead; He's not, if anyone was assuming.

I have been searching for a new Master, and I have found one who I think is worthy, who I think is professional/serious enough, as well as caring and fair.

I do not want to let the memories, the training I acquired or my Master go. I don't want to let go of any of that. People have told me to move on, but I won't. I know I could if I really want too, but I don't want too. I'm afraid if I move on, I'll forget.

I miss my Master so much. He was the best relationship I had in my twenty years of life. The only man who I was truly ready to give my virginity too, and the only man I wrote poetry for.

He will always possess my heart, mind, body and soul till the day I die.

One thing I remember in the email that He wrote when He let me go was "Don't let me down. Stay strong." - regarding me cutting myself. I haven't self-harmed since March 16, 2014. The loss of me being a submissive to him makes the urge grow. But I still haven't cut because of what He wrote. I don't want to let Him down, and I don't want to disappoint Him. I just want Him to be proud of me. It will be nine months on December 16, 2014 that I will have been clean.

Also, if anyone can crack this let me know. He said he would keep in touch, which he did for a few weeks, but after I rejoined to find a Master, I haven't heard from him. Did I do something?

Master J, if you're reading this, you're in my thoughts, my dreams and in my heart. I miss you.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Assignment #2

I can still remember how I felt when I walked through that door.
It is a feeling I will always remember, cherish and keep with me.
From that moment on my life changed, for the better.

June 6, 2014.

Master's email:

Your second assignment:
Before Sunday night I want you to be able to masturbate to orgasm with the dildo firmly in your ass. At least halfway. Each time you try, if you cannot achieve orgasm with the dildo in place you may remove it and have your orgasm. You must alternate between positions with each attempt. For example, this morning you attempted in the Usage position so next time you will attempt in the Open position. If that doesn't work then back to the Usage position next time, ect. Note each attempt and be certain that you do give yourself an orgasm even if you fail to do it with the dildo in your ass. Email me your reports only after you have been successful. Do not allow any failures to detract, upset or disappoint you. With each attempt you only grow closer to the one that will work! This may happen very quickly or it will take some time to get used too.

My reply:

Wednesday: (Open): I masturbated in the open position with the dildo in my ass in the bathroom, this time laying a towel down. I wet my fingers with my saliva, pressing them against my pussy and started to rub, thinking about you know who (James Deen) ;). While the images of my fantasy helped, I couldn't notice any sensations or tingling feelings in my pussy that I usually feel.

Thursday: (Usage): Again, I masturbated in the bathroom with the dildo in my ass, but this time in the Usage position. This position with or without a dildo is hard to not only masturbate in for me personally, but it's also hard to have an orgasm in. Maybe it's my hand positioning or maybe I'm not hitting the right spot since I cannot actually see my pussy in front of me.

Friday: (today)(Open): This time I masturbated in the Open position, with the dildo in my ass in my bedroom, laying on my bed. I kept in mind that the masturbation wasn't timed, which I have mistakenly done the past two days, since I was imagining you watching me the past two days. This time, I merely looked at the clock which read 10:37 and did my usual wetting of the fingers, the fantasies of James Deen, ect. While starting out masturbating and the speed of rubbing my clit was normal, when my fantasies changed from imagining strictly James Deen, to imagining the girls getting fucked by him instead, their bodies squirming and them screaming, the speed of my hand increased, as well as my breathing and tingly sensations I was finally feeling. I wasn't going to quit this time until I had an orgasm. I knew I could feel I was going to have one, since my urge today was stronger today than my previous ones. By this time I was sweating and masturbating violently. So much that my hand started to go numb. Shortly after, I orgasmed and came, screaming simultaneously.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Assignment #1

I can still remember how I felt when I walked through that door.
It is  feeling I will always remember, cherish and keep with me.
From that moment on, my life changed, for the better.

June 3, 2013

Master gave me my first assignment. I had to masturbate and reach an orgasm while in the Usage position.

I stripped myself completely of my clothes. In the bathroom, I got into the position that was demanded of me. Down on my knees, head down, back arched, with my ass in the air. Assuming Master wants me to get used to masturbating in the Usage position, I was quite eager to see if I could get myself off in this position or not. I spit and licked my fingers before reaching down to rub my pussy and start the assignment. The warmness I felt from the contact from my fingers and pussy felt good, and I started fantasizing to give me more encouragement. After a few minutes my knees started to ware on me because of the tiled floor. I didn't stop, and I didn't change positions. I kept masturbating and wanted to do what was asked of me.

Soon enough, I changed from the bathroom to my bedroom and got in the same position in a carpeted area. My fantasy of a rape porn stayed intact in my imagination as I attempted to masturbate again. When I realized that wasn't working, I didn't stop masturbating, but changed my fantasy to a young teen getting fucked especially hard by a married man, a porno I watched last night that would now have to enter my mind if I was going to have any chance of reaching an orgasm. The same problem continued with my knees and now my neck was hurting. I began to get frustrated but remembered a certain part of the assignment from the email Master sent: "Even if you have to start out in the Usage position and change to have an orgasm.." The position wasn't the goal here; reaching an orgasm was.

I decided to change to a more comfortable location that would benefit my masturbation and body all around; my bed. I got into a different position than Usage. I simply laid on my bed, legs spread and began to masturbate one last time. By this time, my pussy was wet and more loose, so it became easier to masturbate now. I fantasized about all the pornos I watched that the porn actor, James Deen was in. The more I fantasized, the more my breathing became irregular. I imagined him fucking some lucky girl and how I pictured myself he was fucking instead. My body and muscles began to tense up and I knew I was getting close. When I knew I was seconds away from having an orgasm, I said what I've always said every time I masturbate: "Please, Master, may I cum?" The first time I said it, it was simply a whisper. The second time I said it, it was more of a begging tone and more louder. Imaging my Master giving me permission, I did what was asked of me and reached my orgasm, cumming in the process. My moans were mixed with yelps, getting louder after each one until I started to calm down and my breathing returned back to normal.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

First Reward, Improvement and Completion

Master has told me that what He likes most about me is how much effort I give Him and our sessions. Based on my effort, Master is pleased and I am rewarded. Cock worship was my first reward and the first aspect of my training that I have recently completed.

I didn't know what the hell I was doing the first time. I used my tongue and mouth, treating it like a blowjob, but making sure to stick to the rules of cock worship. With cock worship, the goal is to make the guy feel good. With blowjobs, the goal is to make the guy cum. In addition, I couldn't use my hands. I always place my hands only Master's thighs, strictly only using my mouth and tongue to please Him.

My Master is the type who likes to have both His cock and balls worshipped. I'm smiling as I type this because the pleasure that He gets from me "drives him crazy". To see Him watching me as I worship His cock and smile, to see Him with His eyes closed as He enjoys every inch of His cock being licked and sucked, to hear Him say, "That feels so good" or to tell me "Good girl", to hear any noise He makes at all makes me honored, happy and proud to be His submissive. It also makes me aroused.

For the first few times I worshipped Master's cock, I treated it like a blowjob because that's what I was used too since I was seventeen. That was what I was used too, until I started being more creative with my mouth and tongue, with Master's guidance and encouragement. One of the first things I did was when I would go down to suck His balls, I would be sucking on them, while licking and flicking my tongue on them at the same time. Secondly, I learned how to deep throat, how to take all of His sweet cock in my mouth over time. Master likes it and makes these sweet little noises every time I do that.

As time went on, when I would lick Master's balls, He would tell me to lick lower until my tongue was pleasing His taint. I've never pleased that part of a man's body until my Master came along. I have to say, I rather enjoy it. The lower I go, the higher His pleasure seems to rise.

I've noticed that when I'm with any other guy besides my Master, I find myself only wanting to worship cock. Now that I have been exposed to cock worship, blowjobs don't exist to me anymore. I'm starting to think that blowjobs are too vanilla. I'll probably get laughed at for that one.

In conclusion, cock worship is excessive amounts of fun. I love to please, I love to get rewarded and I love my role as a submissive.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Broken Down

Last Tuesday I received an email from my Master regarding his health. He said in the email that he had suffered a minor heart attack and feels faint and dizzy most of the time. He is advised to limit his physical activities and to get lots of rest. In addition, Master informed me that he is okay and will have to take a few months to recover, as well as postpone our training. Part of my response to him was: "Screw the postponed training. I just want to be here for you. Training can wait."

He has told me not to get depressed and to not worry too much. I'm trying desperately to distract myself with going to concerts, focusing on my music and therapy. I love and care for my Master with all my heart and would like to help him out anyway I can. I can't imagine my life without him. He is a big part of my life and a big part of my heart. If anyone reading this could pray for him, send him good vibes, or anything positive at all, I would greatly appreciate it.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

The Second Coming (Part 2)

I can still remember how I felt when I walked through that door.
It is a feeling I will always remember, cherish and keep with me.
From that moment on, my life changed; for the better.

Upstairs in the bondage room, it was much different than my first session in this room. Now that Master is familiar with me, what I can take, what I like, my actual training can begin and this is when it becomes serious. I was bound in a rope tie known as "tekate-kote", which really put my arms to the test. I have never been stretched in a position like this, but I couldn't disappoint or complain. The last thing I want is to seem weak, at all, to my Master.

I was taught a new addition to my training on this night. I'm sure all of you reading this are familiar with "safe words". Before tonight, I always thought they were childish and saw no reason to have them. But I couldn't protest, and it doesn't matter what a submissive thinks at the end of the day. My safe word was "red". Now I could say it no problem, but with a ball gag in my mouth, it was a little bit difficult. Master could still understand me though, if I said it loudly enough through the gag.

I began to be flogged. With my upper body being bound, my legs were also spread and I was about on my toes. This position/stance was tough to be in, and the flogging was testing my strength. The cracks of the flogger being whipped across my skin were slightly harder than last time, but I tried not to move and hinder my position. I couldn't even last five minutes before I stepped out of my stance.

"Permission to ask a question?"

"You may."

"If we do anal, you're clean and you'll use a condom, right?" My voice was on edge and the nervousness was coming. I don't know if he could tell or not,

"Of course, and yes, I'm clean. Are you?"

I chuckled. "Of course I am."

Master didn't seem TOO disappointed with the pervious position I was in, because he had me change positions. He instructed me to lay down on this bench-like cushion and blindfolded me. After that, my legs were spread as he tied them up so my legs were touching my thighs, so I couldn't move at all. This was the first time I felt a anal plug be inserted into me. My thought process made me feel violated because of this. I didn't receive a warning, but this was how it was, is, and going to be.  This was also the first time I felt a vibrator come in contact with me. The lube made it feel cold at first, but the more I let myself get used to it, the better the feeling got. The vibration and speed quickly increased, which I wasn't prepared for. It started to hurt slightly, but I dismissed it for the time being, thinking that a little pain down there was normal. It wasn't. The vibration on my pussy started to hurt, I started to panic...


Determined to have me cum in front of him, Master took me into the bedroom and told me to lay down on the bed. I was getting nervous. The lights were dimmed, a porno was put on, and he laid next to me on the bed. "Go on, masturbate." I hesitated, but I didn't dare talk back or question him. I wet the tips of my fingers with saliva, and began to rub my pussy while watching the porno. Knowing that Master was right next to me, watching made me nervous already. Masturbating in front of him was a whole different nervousness altogether. I tried getting into the porno I was watching, but it wasn't my preference. I tried closing my eyes to block out everything to focus on my own fantasies, but that didn't work either. After a couple minutes, the words "I can't do it." escaped my mouth and I gave up.

"That's disappointing."


"Regardless, watching you masturbate and the porn got me hard, so I'm going to allow you to get me off only because I'm horny."

I laid on my back at the edge of the bed and proceeded to lick Master's balls as he jacked himself off. He seemed to like my enthusiasm as I licked his balls, trying my best to redeem myself for earlier. The end result was my body being covered in Master's cum, which I rubbed into my skin.

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The Second Coming (Part 1)

I can still remember how I felt when I walked through that door.
It is a feeling I will always remember, cherish and keep with me.
From that moment on, my life changed; for the better. 
May 8, 2014

I enjoyed my first session and my new Master enough to want to proceed further into a second session. He clearly knows what He is doing from what little experience I acquired last time, and I like that a lot.

The second session started out like the first. We arrived at the townhouse where once inside, I stripped myself of my clothes, put my collar on, crawled over to my Master and presented myself in the Nadu position.

"Did you practice your positions?" He asked me. I replied "Yes, Master."

"We'll certainly find out. Since you are already in the Nadu position...Bracelets." He demanded.

Everything stayed put except my arms and wrists, when I put them behind my back and crossed my wrists, palms open. Master walked around me to see if I did this position correctly.


Immediately, my arms swung over my head, head down and wrists crossed.


I put my hands on the back of my head, locking my fingers together and standing up slowly. The tile floor can hurt my knees at times.

"You certainly have practiced your positions and performed them as perfectly as I could expect of anyone." Master told me. His words made me feel good.

Master then sat and spun me around so I was sitting on his lap. I quite liked that. He placed his hand on my thigh as I laced my hand on top of his, attempting to play with his fingers from time to time. He didn't seem to mind this, but I stopped after a few minutes.

"Do you know what cock worship is?"  Master wondered.

The term "cock worship", when I first heard it, well, kind of seemed ridiculous to me.

"I, uh..I have a guess." I giggled, nervously.

"Yeah? What's that?"  Master asked, awaiting my answer. I think He was curious in a amused way to see what I had to say.

"Isn't it worship a guy's cock and like..praise it or something?" God, I felt embarrassed for saying that. I'm so inexperienced.

"Like kneeling and saying 'Oh, you're cock is so huge, your cock is so big.' It does seem ridiculous, doesn't it?"

I burst out laughing., replying "Yes, Master." to Him. Master has ways of lightening situations when I am nervous. One of the many things I like about Him.

"Cock worship is similar to a blowjob but with different goals in mind. A blowjob, your goal is to make the guy cum. Cock worship, your goal is to simply make the guy feel good, but not to make him cum. Do you understand?"

I had to think for a moment to take His words in. Once I felt I understood, I gave him my answer.

"Yes, Master."

Master laid out a mat on the tile, so my knees wouldn't hurt. He's so thoughtful. As He was naked from the waist down, I started off pleasing him like I did with past boyfriends, which always seemed to work for a start. I grabbed His cock with my hand and spit on it, just to stiffen it a little. I wasn't allowed to use my hands so I had to improvise in the next few seconds. Once I saw that it was beginning to be erect, my hands were placed on Master's thighs as I licked the tip of the head, around the head in a circular motion, then slowly beginning to suck on His cock. Not only did I lick and suck on his cock, but his balls as well. I did the best I could to give him my undivided attention. After ten to fifteen minutes, I believe I passed my first cock worshipping session, since He seemed pleased with my efforts.

"Since you did so well with your first four positions, I think it's time you learn four more. How exciting, right?" Master smiled at me. I smiled back, not knowing what to expect but replied just the same, "Yes, Master."

I was instructed to get on my knees, but have them closed together, stretch and keep my body straight down, head down, arms out and wrists crossed. "This is called the Whipping position. Repeat it back to me."

"Whipping position."

The second position, I had to have my knees and elbows apart, at the same length as the other, my hands on the back of my neck, fingers locked, back arched so my ass was up in the air and head down. "This is the Usage position. What is it called?"

"Usage position."

"This position can be used for me to fuck you. If you're having trouble ever remembering, just think sex and it should be easier to remember what you have to do. I know these are quite complicated than the previous four positions."

The third position seemed like a mixture of the first two. My legs were once again closed together, my head was down, but my hands were laid flat on both sides of my head. "This is called the Obeisance position. Repeat it back to me."

"Obeisance position."

"All these positions are quite similar, so it's easy to maneuver into one after the other."

With the fourth and final new position, my legs and hands had to be spread apart evenly like the Usage position, except my head had to be down and feet facing each other. "This is called She-Sleen."


Master called out the four positions I had just learned at random. It took me a bit to get into them again, since I just learned them a few seconds ago. I was hesitant and questioning myself in my head, and didn't want to screw it up.

I wasn't doing too terribly until I hit the Usage position again.

"Arch your back, ass up." Master instructed first, then raised His voice the second time around. I winced and clenched my teeth. To hear Him raising His voice at me scared me, but I didn't totally give up cause I knew He wouldn't like that.

"Stand up and display." He instructed. I followed His orders.

"Now, I can understand how you didn't nail these positions right after you learned them and that's okay. They are a bit more difficult than the first four you learned and it will take some practice and getting used too...''

As Master was talking and He had His back turned for a few seconds, I could feel my eyes building up with tears. To hear Him raise His voice at me made me feel defeated and like I had failed Him as a submissive because I couldn't nail the positions on the first try.

Don't cry. Don't you fucking cry. You can't let him see you cry and think that you're weak.

"Now, let's take you upstairs to the bondage room."